Entering the Third Decade.

Somewhere along the way, I've lost myself.

That's what keeps echoing through my head. Sometime, after my sweet second baby was born and I turned 30, I became a stranger to myself. I don't recognize this person's appearance, don't trust her taste, and feel sorry that sometimes, in those rare quiet moments, she thinks in another 10 years she'll have nothing to her name.

It isn't to say that I'm unhappy. There are many days when, if I do say so myself, I make this motherhood thing look easy. My boys are the absolute sweetest. The baby finally is sleeping through the night. We celebrated our 5th anniversary and I still love my goober of a husband. I can manage to shower and, sometimes, even makeup. Today the boys rolled around on my bed together as I gave their little cheeks and tummies kisses, and I did all I could to drink that giggled-filled moment in.

Long days, short years.

But it's nagging me, this feeling of being a stranger.

A couple things happened after I turned 30:

1. we bought a mini van.
2. I chopped all my hair off.
3. I bought my first pair of orthopedic footwear.

The van was a long time coming; the old car needed an improvement worth more than the cost of trade-in for it to pass inspection, so we finally pulled the trigger. I had psyched myself up to accept the convenience-over-cool aspect, but am pleasantly surprised by how much I love it.

As for my new hair, I chopped about 15 inches off into a very short pixie cut. I don't know. Feelings are still mixed. I was swimming in all that hair, and the baby kept spitting up in it and pulling it. The weight of the ponytail was rubbing my scalp raw, and I just felt swamped by it all. So a big chop happened, and it's not the worst, but my husband does tease me about it a little more than I like.

The shoes are some birkenstocks, and I wish I had done it sooner. It's another thing that feels like my high school self is mocking me, but my 30 year old self loves the arch support. L-O-V-E-S it.

All these things are not throwing me into an identity crisis or anything, but I constantly feel like I'm mentally defending this evolution.

Furthermore, people keep asking me if I get to golf any lately.

Like, when would that happen?

Round Reflection: Golfing Pregnant!

So last week, thanks to my sitter from the summer being home from school due to the terrible flooding in North Carolina from Hurricane Matthew, I got to golf for the first time in months.

And I had an INCREDIBLE time.

That's not to say I golfed my best. Far, far from it. Partly that's because I'm so out of practice. But it's mostly because I'm seven months pregnant.

Seven months. Third trimester. The home stretch. And I thought it would be fun to try to get my shoulders and hips to twist in opposition to each other several times in a row so I could bang a small white ball around with sticks in a park for a couple hours.

Seriously though, I had a blast. I chose a new course that I've never played before which was very pretty and incredibly playable. And I learned a lot about how the game has to be modified with a giant beach ball around your middle. I've decided to make the most of this round for the blog by spreading these lessons out (hey, I'm starved for rounds right now which means getting creative with content).

So the first lesson I learned is: mindset really matters.

Pictured here is my score card. On the very first hole, I made sure to write my golf mantra in big, bold letters: THERE ARE NO DIAPERS HERE.

An obvious statement, sure. But every golfer needs to have a personal reason why they are at the course, and this one is mine. Golf is my "me time," and my "me time" is precious and only getting more sparse. Plus, it's gotten me through some really tough patches in the past.

The other thing I wrote is,  I GET TO PLAY GOLF.

The key words there are "get to."

If you really want to change your life, replace any sentence that is about "having to" do something to "getting to" do it. It immediately changes the task from an obligation to a privilege. It helps shift your thinking to being grateful for all the opportunities in life. I really tried instilling this ethic into my team when I was a coach, and I found that the best way to do it was to live it myself. And so I'm trying to do that as a parent, too.

You'll notice on my scorecard that I doubled and tripled the first two holes. That was pretty indicative of my day, and it actually took me about 14 holes to figure out how to manage my physical condition so I could play well. Despite that, I am so proud of the 98 I scored, because it took hard work to play while pregnant, and more importantly, I GOT TO PLAY!

I get to golf tomorrow thanks to hurricane Matthew, of all things

Photo: Nasa.gov

The universe must have read my last post and done some shuffling for me.

I get to golf TOMORROW!

My baby sitter's university in North Carolina has been closed since hurricane Matthew, and so she's home this week.

I am very excited, but also trying hard not to forget that my fortune comes at the cost of many thousands of lives being upturned due to the catastrophic flooding in North Carolina. Flooding that is only getting worse in many places as rivers keep rising from water entering upstream. I can't imagine the panic and desperation those citizens must be experiencing as they've lost the comfort of their homes (or were trapped at home) and scrambled to safety.

So I've made sure to donate to flood relief, particularly the Food Bank of Eastern and Central North Carolina.

Because Matthew devastated Haiti as well, I've also made a donation to UNICEF for their relief efforts, too.  It will take them much longer to recover from this crisis and conditions there make it an uphill battle. Giving money is the least I can do.

Karma certainly cannot be bought, but I am one to recognize that sometimes even small opportunities come at the cost of the suffering of others. In this case, that cost is extremely large. So I am thankful for this opportunity and promise the universe I won't squander it.