How Coaching Golf Made Me a Better Stay-At-Home-Mom

Oddly specific title, I will admit. Hey, this is a very niche blog, after all.

For a refresher or for new readers, I spent five years as the head men's and women's coach at a mid-size regional university that played at the NCAA Division II level.

Coaching is like, the best job. Leading groups of people to the "battle" of competition was always a thrill.

But the job was so much more than a single tournament, and an unbelievable amount of preparation had to go into each event. And I'm not just talking about the skills of the players; as a small program I had no assistant for many seasons and was expected by the department to do much of the administrative work including budgeting, trip arrangements, post-trip paperwork, and much else that head coaches of some "bigger" team sports have two or three salaried employees or grad assistants to pass it off on. Many people were shocked at how much office time I would have to dedicate to the minute details of all that business.

Coaching was also a great way to put my Psychology degree to work. As a person who loves the mysteries of the mind, I had up to 20 fascinating real-life sport psychology case studies at any given time. Plus, there was always the group dynamic to contend with. Sometimes I felt like I was an expert on that, but many times I found myself needing to be a lot more agile to maintain my lead of the team.

It would take a several-thousand word post to go into all the detail of the job of coaching. In short, these are just some of the hats I wore as a college golf coach: administrator, teacher, travel agent, bus driver, statistician, curriculum developer, disciplinarian, therapist, academic counselor, career counselor, first aid responder, seamstress, purchaser, accountant, designer, politician, janitor. Only maybe 10-15% of the time was my hat an actual golf hat, for actual golf.

And I got very comfortable being uncomfortable. I learned not to take too much personally. I learned that I set the tone for the group. I learned to work hard not give my athletes personality labels, and instead to love, accept and work with who they were, even if they suddenly changed sometimes. I learned that communicating is a two-way street and that as a leader it was my responsibility to keep the flow of traffic going. I learned to apply consistent and fair boundaries and consequences, and to communicate those boundaries and consequences well in advance of when I might need them. I learned to think quickly and delegate tasks. I learned that I could not be all things to all the players all the time, and to not pretend to be. I worked to help empower them to act like adults and make wise choices. I learned to seek out a supportive community of peers. I learned that I needed to take care of myself if I expected to do the job well. I learned that the testament to the quality of my team is what the players did when they weren't in my presence. I learned that I needed to keep learning. I learned that nurturing the good out of people is serious business that shouldn't be taken lightly.

All of this has helped me keep a pretty even head in the often-isolating and extremely stressful world of being a mom. And as many working-women-turned-stay-at-home-moms know, job experience like this can make for very beneficial skills when raising a family. I also believe the reverse is true: leading a household makes for a good worker, and hopefully when I  lucky enough to work outside the home again that I can find an employer who shares that mindset.

On Restlessness and Self Pity

I don't miss working. I miss my work. I miss the relationships I had with my players, the purpose and importance I felt, the camaraderie built through early mornings and travel, the challenges of managing a team and the ups and downs of competition. I miss being called "Coach" and striving to be the best one I can be. I still can't believe I was paid to do what I was paid to do.

When we moved and I decided not to look for work right away, it's because I knew I don't like working. I knew that because my heart has to be in my work for me to be happy, that I wouldn't like just any desk with a paycheck if I could be home with our little one instead. I decided to use this change to look inward for a while, learn the area and the jobs around me, and see if I could pivot to something else if need be. It's not like there are tons of college golf coaching jobs out there anyway; they only open once in a blue moon.

I beat myself up about feeling self-pity for this stance, because I recognize that it is a privilege to be able to make a choice about whether to work or be at home. Not everyone can do that.

It's just that I go through waves of restlessness, questioning what I'm doing with my life. What am I adding of value to society? How long is too long to let my resume lapse?

It got particularly bad these past few days as I see the seniors from my former team posting photos after their last rounds. The hugs from their teammates, the bittersweet feeling I know they're wrestling with, the promise of a bright future. I miss being with them at these times and feeling that energy, that sense of completion of a long four-year journey. The ones graduating this year were my recruits, and I would have loved to see how they blossomed this year (they always blossom senior year in some way!).

And I also get that mothering is important. I love my child and I dig the pace of my life right now. He's learning to say "I love you" in a little baby/toddler voice now and it pierces my heart in the BEST of ways. I sleep better now than when I worked. I eat better now than when I worked. I exercise more now than when I worked. And more importantly beginning this summer I am golfing more than when I worked, if you can believe it.

Maybe the hardest part of the adjustment is feeling like your reach is suddenly so much smaller. Before, my actions rippled through many other people. Now, my reach and impact is much more reduced.

The important thing I always remind myself is that nothing lasts as long as it seems to last when you're wrestling with it. Eventually time moves along and looking back you'll always wonder why you were so impatient. Kind of a stop-and-smell-the-roses type thing. So that's what I'm trying to do now. I won't have this stay-at-home life forever, and in the course of a lifespan this period of time is such a short chapter that eventually I'll feel silly for being so impatient. Even if I want to allow myself to feel restless now and then.

So what do you do with the baby while you golf?

I push him in his stroller while I carry my bag. It torches calories. In no time I'll lose those last pesky pounds of baby weight and I can go shopping for new skinny jeans and bikinis for summer! I dress him like one of the caddies at Augusta and it's SO cute. He really enjoys the scenery and it's so much fun to spend time together.

Just kidding. Sort of. I have definitely thought about doing that. When he was younger, like around 6-8 months, he would easily nap in his jogging stroller and was never very vocal. So had my back been healthier (pregnancy does a number to you!) and had I had not spent my time moving cross-country, he would have been the perfect playing partner.

But now, at 16 months, he's movin', shakin', and vocally, vehemently,  against sitting for longer than an episode of Sesame Street (the HBO kind which is shorter than PBS). So while I can't wait to get him out on the course and show him all that entails, that's going to have to wait.  (And I'm still very serious about the caddy outfit).

I write this fairly boring post to hopefully illustrate how tough it is to secure quality child care for anything, let alone something as non-serious as golf. Although there are some fancy schmancy clubs with daycare rooms, we can't manage those kinds of luxuries -- so hourly care it is. A full round of golf can take up to 5 hours at some courses (or more, 9 holes a few months back at a local public course took four hours alone!). Depending on where you live, childcare can easily be $15 bucks an hour or more, and that's for just one kiddo. Tack that on to ever rising greens fees and it can easily wipe out a family's budget. But I'm not willing to wait until he (and whatever future nuggets I may have) are school-aged to get in some rounds.

I looked at the websites like Care and Sittercity. On top of what I would have to pay the sitter, there is a monthly fee, and I wasn't entirely confident in the reviews concerning their background checks.

But over the past several months of living in our new city, we've gotten to know our neighbors very well. I'm very good friends with one who also stays home with her daughter who is just a bit older than mine. She's an artist who has a home studio, and we talk often about our interests and work as a core component of our identity and how we so much miss being able to do those things full time and yadda yadda yadda a little bit of self pity and whining about stay at home mom life with a confidant. She's also GREAT with my kid, and knows how hard I've looked for a babysitter being new to this city. So, she did me a huge one and offered to help me by watching him while I golf!

We've worked out a trade of sorts. I am paying her for each hour, but we deduct any hours that she might need. So last week, she watched mine, and this week I watched hers. Win-win.

And the bonus is that a morning with a playmate gives my little guy an EPIC afternoon nap. For which I can get in more practice...

Thankful to have made some friends and earned a bit of luck in this department!