Monday, May 9, 2016

On Restlessness and Self Pity

I don't miss working. I miss my work. I miss the relationships I had with my players, the purpose and importance I felt, the camaraderie built through early mornings and travel, the challenges of managing a team and the ups and downs of competition. I miss being called "Coach" and striving to be the best one I can be. I still can't believe I was paid to do what I was paid to do.
When we moved and I decided not to look for work right away, it's because I knew I don't like working. I knew that because my heart has to be in my work for me to be happy, that I wouldn't like just any desk with a paycheck if I could be home with our little one instead. I decided to use this change to look inward for a while, learn the area and the jobs around me, and see if I could pivot to something else if need be. It's not like there are tons of college golf coaching jobs out there anyway; they only open once in a blue moon.
I beat myself up about feeling self-pity for this stance, because I recognize that it is a privilege to be able to make a choice about whether to work or be at home. Not everyone can do that.
It's just that I go through waves of restlessness, questioning what I'm doing with my life. What am I adding of value to society? How long is too long to let my resume lapse?
It got particularly bad these past few days as I see the seniors from my former team posting photos after their last rounds. The hugs from their teammates, the bittersweet feeling I know they're wrestling with, the promise of a bright future. I miss being with them at these times and feeling that energy, that sense of completion of a long four-year journey. The ones graduating this year were my recruits, and I would have loved to see how they blossomed this year (they always blossom senior year in some way!).
And I also get that mothering is important. I love my child and I dig the pace of my life right now. He's learning to say "I love you" in a little baby/toddler voice now and it pierces my heart in the BEST of ways. I sleep better now than when I worked. I eat better now than when I worked. I exercise more now than when I worked. And more importantly beginning this summer I am golfing more than when I worked, if you can believe it.
Maybe the hardest part of the adjustment is feeling like your reach is suddenly so much smaller. Before, my actions rippled through many other people. Now, my reach and impact is much more reduced.
The important thing I always remind myself is that nothing lasts as long as it seems to last when you're wrestling with it. Eventually time moves along and looking back you'll always wonder why you were so impatient. Kind of a stop-and-smell-the-roses type thing. So that's what I'm trying to do now. I won't have this stay-at-home life forever, and in the course of a lifespan this period of time is such a short chapter that eventually I'll feel silly for being so impatient. Even if I want to allow myself to feel restless now and then.

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